The World is veiled in darkness.

May 12 and there's snow.

2005-05-12T17:27:23Z

It's snowing again in Bismarck, who knew?

Insubstantial Exuberance is a funny ideal

2005-04-29T19:59:33Z

I have embraced the chaotic nature of my true self.
Friends, peers, acquaintances, or whatever you'd be named, I am nearly complete in my efforts.
While the results are hard to examine for my lack of slumber, they are nonetheless present in my being.
The fools I have found introspectively have doubted my dreams, yet they are whisked away with a mere mental blitz.
Soon, perhaps soon, I shall reach the third stage of consciousness and be free from the bonds of stereotypical human traits.
Insubstantial exuberance indeed!

Final Battle

2005-04-22T07:08:32Z

This picture goes so well with the song "Rise" by Origa and Yoko Kanno. Chaos conveyed in lyrical format with a hint of camaraderie during wartime, I love it!

The painting is Alexander's battle at the Issus by Albrecht Altdorfer.

novadream55 @ 2005-04-01T23:45:00

2005-04-02T05:46:32Z

A true paladin...

...will sheathe his sword.

Machine = me

2005-03-29T08:16:09Z

Lately, I've been feeling more like a machine than a human.

I don't seem to have a positive or negative amount of energy, just a constant amount required to get by.

I'll be a robot someday, just like in my childish dreams... or nightmares... or daydreams... or dot dot dots...

Note to me(everything is notes to me): You want gaming for a career, don't forget!

Just a simple click

2005-03-06T01:15:29Z

A simple click is all it will take. If you haven't figured it out by now then, by all means, ask me. Honestly though, I don't really care to listen anymore.

Anime club is going to conventions this year, maybe I'll go next year. Also, thoughts of rivers and forests keep invading the space in my mind reserved for anime. This year will be different. I'm not just saying it'll be different, I'm currently implementing the difference. This is all just another step.

Kanly

2005-02-18T07:29:55Z

This is truly amazing. All around me, people are lost in an orgy of noxious bliss. Literally and figuratively. I have this little secret that nobody will ever know, no matter how many times I tell them. These things that you do, they are killing you. Physically and mentally, you are all suffering and falling to an end you know well. Blame others, make excuses, lie! You all know what I'm talking about.

I'm not going to give up. Even if everyone else will give in to it, I'm not going to give up.

Disappointment is an understatement

2005-02-01T06:50:16Z

I'm the one that doesn't fit into any groups. People find it difficult to place me. Regardless, I have decided it's time for a falling out.

Wow... a whole year?

2005-01-30T05:57:52Z

Many things just made sense all at once. You people have kept me in the dark for too long. Someone just let something slip that they shouldn't have, or rather that they most likely wish they hadn't. People are always underestimating me, or maybe they just forget too easily. Oh well, I'm glad I know now and that's all that matters. I'm actually happy that things turned out this way; I wish you all the best. You people make me laugh.

On to something different. I'm on a dodgeball team and we are badass. Also, I bought WoW and I have a secret strategy for making a powerful character. FFXI didn't really work out as two of my friends quit the game and left me hanging, and my computer wasn't working(my fault). By the time I had fixed my computer, the only friend I had left on it was level amazing while I was still level retarded. Sorry Siegfriedve, maybe I'll see ya in different online game.

-EDIT-
I just realized that it's been exactly one year since I've created this journal. This calls for an extra long post.

I'm here at college as I well know. I've been writing in this thing longer than I've written in anything else. Well, maybe not anything else, but anything else that is public. Perhaps I should reflect on what I've written in this journal and the things that have happened. This'll actually be really fun.

2004 Jan.
I create my account with the help of Dee.

2004 Feb.
I make my first post. I talk all cute for some reason. I seem to be using it for more of a way to talk to friends than to actually post meaningful input. I'm currently Dating Dee. I seem to be really enjoying kung fu and I randomly get hurt, like when I fell off the terraces hehe =P. I'm complaining about homework. I ate some bad ham and got pretty sick for a while.

2004 Mar.
I got a $1000 scholarship for being somewhat smarter than normal. I rant about wanting a new computer. I go into a mad frenzy one day and complete my Shinto term paper, I think I got 105 outta 100 because I turned it in really early. My parents started to leave me alone at home for long periods of time. First taste of adulthood and it didn't taste that bad, I got really bored though. Physics started becomming really confusing. Luckily, I really liked the teacher so I wasn't angry, just really confused =S. I started getting kinda lonely because people seemed to be avoiding me. My Sifu started to train me really hard for some reason. I start my Dune obsession.

2004 Apr.
Physics baffles me, so I wash my car. For some reason I'm babbling a bit, I also seem to be sleepy more often. I get really depressed and start doubting computers. I started thinking too much about things that I shouldn't think about. Mike helped me regain myself. I finally became an Eagle Scout! People doubted the MegaManX fireball. I went to Prom with Dee and I only danced the slow songs, I'm actually kinda sorry about that but I'm just not a classy person. I got my white sash in kung fu. I rant about wanting a new computer.

2004 May
I got hurt really bad somehow and I think my chest tore open again. Oh yeah, sour milk tastes bad =(. As I predicted, it snowed on my birthday... just like every year *sigh*. I got a new computer that I now love and adore. I'm really stressed about something bad that I know is going to happen. I downed more caffiene than anyone I've ever known in one day, I started having visions. I got a new car that isn't mine anymore. Steve Nelson comes to my house to cheer me up. I had a fun time at open houses, but not many people came to mine; I did get to see my uncle Don and Mr. Waldren though. I had alot of fun at the after graduation party with Steve and Josh, Mike was too busy grinding with his girlfriend to hang out with us though and Ben was trying to get me to dance, but I don't dance... with anyone.

2004 June
I went to the chiropracter and it hurt like a bitch. Everything electronical that I owned didn't work for a few days. I got dumped by Dee. I keep trying to get FFXI to work but it keeps shutting off. I make a huge mistake by overclocking my computer. I played Scooter and Raved in my car while I drove around in the amazing fog for an entire night; one of the most amazing nights I've ever seen!

2004 July/Sept.
I moved over to xanga for quite a while so I didn't really post much on LJ during July. I started dating Kristen. I went to college and was quite upset for some time about it. I'm not talking cute anymore and I'm talking with a dark attitude. I'm not really sleeping or eating. I get mad at people and people get mad at me. I get so angry that I start to break out in hives that turn into welts, nobody has ever seen me truly angry but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I start dedicating myself to computers. I frequently go home but I rarely see my family. I start becoming something I'm not and I don't want to be. I start making my own food with cooking skills that many people thought I lacked.

2004 Oct.
I start writing with a stream of consciousness style. Basically, I just write things to fill in time because I'm lonely. I started to become really depressed. My roommate started to really tick me off. I break up with Kristen. I take a tri-fit test that tells me to gain weight. I randomly forget that I'm not in a video game. I choose to be alone for most of the time and get lost online. I'm kinda emo for a while, but then I focus on Anime Club.

2004 Nov.
Most of whatever happiness I have at this time seems to come from Anime Club. I get really depressed and start babbling about the battle between heaven and hell and that sort of thing. I find a strange pleasure in manipulating people's emotions in regard to the election. I present questionable information to people and savor their reactions. I sign up for mostly English classes as I seem strong in that subject and it gets rid of my generals. I start deriving extreme pleasure from programming. I remember the black horse that scared Mike and I. I meet old friends during Thanksgiving and we play Star Wars.

2004 Dec.
I take pictures of college life with my new digital camera and post them. I take a dumb personality questionarre. I really enjoy watching Full Metal Alchemist. I visit home and manage to regain most of my original self and abilities. I can once again see the events most likely and nobody can touch me. I realize that I really like chaos. Christmas break was great. I got many books, good books, books with meaning in my life, books like Dune and Ender's Game.

2005 Jan.
I'm still on Christmas break and I get really sleepy. I think my body wasn't used to being the real me. I start researching the Ghost in the Machine and posting what I find. I join a dodgeball team and start kicking ass. I've almost completely recovered from the darkness that used to be exceedingly present in me. Here I am!

Who am I? I'm beginning to find out.

2005-01-25T05:54:31Z

Let's examine the "truths". Man was made by God in God's own image. God did not want us to have all of his power so man was forced to be blissfully happy in paradise. Enter Lucifer. Feeling sorry for Man and resentful towards God, Lucifer gifts man the fruit of wisdom. For his direct defiance of God's will, he was cast into the pits of hell. Twisted and unforgiving, Satan tries to convert humans away from God. These are the stories from a Catholic's childhood and are now acceptable truths in many communities.

In the past, man would maintain vital body systems, procreate, and protect offspring. If there would be a condition that would negatively affect man, man would meet this difficulty through such methods as natural selection and physical adaptation. This kind of behavior does not aberrate from animal normality. However, something unexplainable happened: man had attained a level of intellect that goes far beyond any previous animal. Also, man is no longer feral.

Man is now in possession of a power equal to a God. With this new ability we have deviated from the "flow". Those who acquire more of this power are said to be farther from the light, and therefore farther from enlightenment. It's no wonder many religions often brand modification or technology as heretical things. Those who attempt to explain in terms of science are met with hatred and often hostility. Sometimes evil is required to do good. The path to hell is paved with good intentions.

This list conveys our insanity (we are all included)
-A constant and continuing record of crimes of violence committed out of devotion to a flag, a leader, a religious faith or a political conviction
-The barbarous wars of religion fought to decide a point of theology
-Various communist purges - social hygiene for the good of the people.
-The repeated and continuing use of slavery
-The holocaust and numerous other examples of genocide, and mind numbingly uncivilized and inhuman acts of abuse, torture and oppression.

"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."
- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

The more I know, the more I shall be a heretic. I still don't know where I'm going with this. Perhaps it's merely a whisper from the deep recesses of my psyche.

Ghost in the Machine

2005-01-24T16:27:47Z

To put it vulgarly, we are led to suspect that there is somewhere a loose screw in the human mind, and there always has been. To put it into more scientific language, we ought to give serious consideration to the possibility that somewhere along the line something has gone seriously wrong with the evolution of the nervous system of Homo Sapiens.

We know that evolution can lead into a blind alley, and we also know that the evolution of the human brain was an unprecedentedly rapid, almost explosive, process... let us merely note as a possible hypothesis that the delusional streak which runs through our history may be an endemic form of paranoia, built into the wiring circuits of the human brain.

The question is not one of choosing according to temperament or mood, the brighter or the darker side; but of perceiving both together, of noticing the contrast, and inquiring into its causes. To dwell on the glories of man, and ignore the symptoms of his possible insanity is not a sign of optimism, but of ostrichism.

Hmmmmmmmmm... I'm...

2005-01-12T16:23:40Z

I'm back at NDSU. I'm watching Full Metal Alchemist. I'm going to buy the Full Metal Alchemist game. I'm happy because I hooked up my computer to my tv. I'm not eating nearly enough and it's really cold here. I'm wondering how I ended up with a foot-high stack of books to read this semester. I'm a computer science major who is well on his way to an english major. I'm starting to do stretching and it's really helping with the pain. I'm thinking about playing Neverwinter Nights and Final Fantasy XI today. I'm waiting for my next class to start. I'm a pioneer. I'm hoping anyone who is angry at me will forget about me. I'm lusting for travel to unknown places. I'm starting every sentence with I'm. I'm having strange dreams about having an older brother. I'm also having great dreams about being the greatest computer scientist. I'm hungry for navy bean soup. I'm naming all my characters Hot Soup. I'm taking the grassy path. I'm curious as to what happens after Tenchi OAV, does the story continue in the manga? I'm thinking of either staying with Mike and Josh or Steve and Simek. I'm sad for my roommate because his date didn't show up. I'm going to be straightedge. I'm going to need a job this summer. I'm going to end this at 25.

I had some things written here. This is enough.

2004-12-30T05:46:53Z

I spread chaos.

I have seen it and it is good

2004-12-19T06:14:10Z

I see it in my dreams, but then I wake up. That alone should satisfy me but... Since I am so petty, I keep making the same mistakes. How strong must I become so that no one will be hurt. I begin to believe that not hesitating is a weakness. Embracing the wound that will never heal, the two keep walking because they cannot go back. Their hearts deep inside, still hurt from the inerasable sin.

Woooohoooo

2004-12-16T01:08:19Z

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Paul
2. Nova
3. Pauler

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Novadream
2. Nova_Jihad
3. Mogri

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I've overcome many weaknesses
2. I'm not picky
3. I can fight

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I've hurt many people
2. I don't like music (makes me an outsider)
3. I can fight

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Scottish
2. German from Russia
3. mutt

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. loss of memory
2. bugs
3. aliens

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. clothing
2. food
3. water

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. shirt
2. pants
3. boxers

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists(at the moment)):
1. Nobuo Uematsu
2. KnightFist
3. ... I'm not really into music

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Everlasting Wanderers
2. Tetris Rave mix
3. ... like I said, I'm not really into music

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Xenogears
2. watching FFVII: Advent Children
3. escape an eternity of repitition

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. similar personality (I'm working on my own personality)
2. follow a code of honor
3. open mind (though not closed open-minded)

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1. I'm fixing my family's computer.
2. I feel sick.
3. There is no snow in Bismarck right now.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. long hair
2. healthy appearance
3. good smell

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. stop living, "I plan to live forever"
2. run from my fears
3. blindly follow either side of an argument

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. gaming
2. observing
3. anime

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. sledding
2. eat "holiday" food
3. play games with my little brother

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. programmer
2. teacher
3. fighter

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. China
2. Scotland
3. Canada

THREE KID'S NAMES:
1. Edward
2. Chaos
3. Lina

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. fight a god
2. wander
3. save as many as I can

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW OR DIE PAINFULLY:
Nobody has to take it, or die painfully for that matter.

My life displayed in pictures! ^_^

2004-12-09T08:12:21Z

This is a picture of darkness in the light.

This is a picture of light in the darkness.

Keeping holiday cheer near.

This is where I spend my Friday and Saturday nights.

My little nest of computing.

Everything is in its place. Without wasting a moment, I begin to play games as soon as my projects are finished.

People are funny that way!

2004-12-07T10:26:10Z

MegaMan X is worth the money I paid for it all those years ago. Finite Automatons only further my belief that most can be thought of as programs. When the truth seems so far away; Buddha loves you and Jesus saves; you need answers for your dismay; ask yourself, ask your mom, ask DNA.

You know it's good when there's a trilogy

2004-12-02T08:12:04Z

I have fixed my computer. I took some pretty risky steps to fix it though. I am considering Everquest again, either that or Ragnarok Online. Whichever I choose, I'll be playing it with my little brother. Honestly, no matter how good I am at those kind of games, he's always so much better. I'm really spending too much time on the computer, but homework is a must and it's not like I go to parties or anything. Still, I can't wait till I can expend some physical energy tomorrow at gym class.

Mike, Josh and I played Star Wars: Battlefront during thanksgiving. I haven't had that much fun in a while. It was great spending time with old friends. Steve and I are also planning to make a video game. We could either use RPG Maker II or Neverwinter Nights to make it.

Oh yeah, and before you make a crack about "Evercrack" think really hard about what you are going to say. If you understand what I'm talking about then don't say anything.

novadream55 @ 2004-11-30T14:34:00

2004-11-30T20:36:22Z

The computer is changing. I'm doing what I can to help.
This may be goodbye for some time.

Should I go dual-class?

2004-11-19T23:28:41Z

Out of my five classes, only one of them is a Computer Science specific class. I feel amazing. The other four classes are public speaking, international political science, introduction to literature, and college composition II. All of these classes contribute to my major, but after this my generals are pretty much over. This is ridiculous.

Is it an appearance of God?
What is the definition of God?
If you mean the creator of the world, I didn't.
If you mean the almighty of the world, I can't.
Where are you?
If you mean the common existence of the world, yes, you may call me so.
I'm only affecting the world a little.
Who are you?
I am you.

Amazing Memory

2004-11-16T20:21:35Z

I have to write this down before I forget it again.
I was driving with Mike in my prelude. We were going to Steve's house to see if he wanted to do something. It was incredibly windy and there were sand/dust storms everywhere. We had just turned onto Steve's road and we saw something and I slammed on the brakes. Coming out of the golden cloud of dust and debris from N30W was this huge black stallion. It paused about 5 feet away from my car and looked straight at us. "What the fuck!" and "Holy Shit!" were said in unison. The equine then left in the direction he was going. I'd be pretty amazed if any animal were to all of a sudden appear out of nowhere. But this honestly looked like something that could never happen in real life.

Noise Interference

2004-11-16T08:41:55Z

I am programming. I love to make programs, even ones that don't work correctly. I find the ones that work incorrectly to be the most fascinating. They still produce output, it's just not the output you expected. This kind of output helps to keep things interesting. Perhaps everything in life could be thought of as a program. If we are all programs, then I am truly an observer of human nature. Sitting here, creating little worlds of truths, untruths, and exceptions makes me feel like I'm grasping at something more than mortality. Such thoughts are quickly discarded. Yet, if one may achieve "immortality" by keeping his genetics alive by way of offspring, then I should be able to achieve this ascended state by securing my place in the reality of computers.

The more I learn about computer science, the more I realize that I don't know. Many would get discouraged by this idea, I however, find my interest growing. Don't ever feel that you are embarrassing me by informing me of something computer related. You'd have to be a fool to think that any one person could contain all of the knowledge present, because there's always something new.

Value of enormous intelligence named "ignorance" is disregarded...

2004-11-12T03:09:23Z

A lake filled with mystery but not leading to the sea.
Thousands of molecules slash the darkness while giving ultrarapid lights.
"Who knew it?" "Everyone owns it in common."
Unnatural body and unconsciously developed technologies called "indifference"

Most believe that a satisfactory future required a return to an idealized past, a past which never in fact existed.

The three legs of the agreement-tripod are desire, data and doubt. Accuracy and honesty have little to do with it. Desire brings the participants together. Data set the limits of their dialogue. Doubt frames the questions. Argument closes off the doors of the senses...

A protocol is a set of rules or procedures that people agree to use.
Therefore, protocol implies consent, an agreement to believe in something and use it.

PK is short for "Player Killer", a person who kills other players in online games, though the term is most often reserved for such players in games which are at least partially social in nature. People who play first person perspective shooters, for example, are not usually called PKs. The terminology may have originated from the early days of text-based online MUDs ("multi-user dungeons"). The term is still used today in the more modern (fully graphical) online gaming environments in which players can socialize, kill monsters, or (in the case of PKs) kill other characters. For online gaming worlds which allow characters to grow over time, PKs are controversial in that they add an element of risk to the game, where players who have developed attachments to long-term characters must constantly be on the lookout for dangerous PKs. As such, many people want to ban PKs, or at least weaken their effect on the games. PKs, on the other hand, consider the risk of combat a thrilling and vital part of the online experience.

Faith is a wonderful thing. Even if there is no God, the idea behind faith and the actions that are
the result of it are great. God (or the idea of God) has saved many people. Hope is
often associated with faith. Keeping your faith is not unlike hoping for great things to happen.

Safaris through ancestral memories teach me many things. The patterns, ahhh, the patterns. Liberal bigots are the ones who trouble me the most. I distrust the extremes. Scratch a conservative and you find someone who prefers the past over any future. Scratch a liberal and find a closet aristocrat. It's true! Liberal governments always develop into aristocracies. The bureaucracies betray the true intent of people who form such governments. Right from the first, the little people who formed the governments which promised to equalize the social burdens found themselves suddenly in the hands of bureaucratic aristocracies. Of course all bureaucracies follow this pattern, but what a hypocrisy to find that even under a communized banner. Ahhh, well, if patterns teach me anything it's that patterns are repeated. My oppressions, by and large, are no worse than any of the others and, at least, I teach a new lesson.

Real World
Everyday human existence.
Interpretation:
A consensual hallucination. We all agree (more or less) to share (more or less) the hallucination that is Real World. Meaning, how much each person agrees to hallucinate Real World will vary, and furthermore, each person's hallucination will vary (more or less) from the statistical average "consensus Real World."

Until you meet an alien intelligence, you will not know what it is to be human.

I think what a joy it is to be alive, and I wonder if I'll ever leap inward to the root of this flesh and know myself as I once was. The root is there. Whether any act of mine can find it, that remains tangled in the future. But all things a man can do are mine. Any act of mine may do it.

Why do you continue to hide under the wings of your God, do work in the name of your God, and make laws based on His principles? Does He not also require your protection, love doing work for you, and measure Himself based on your behaviors?

The convoluted wording of legalisms grew up around the necessity to hide from ourselves the violence we intend toward each other. Between depriving a man of one hour from his life and depriving him of his life there exists only a difference of degree. You have done violence to him, consumed his energy. Elaborate euphemisms may conceal your intent to kill, but behind any use of power over another the ultimate assumption remains: "I feed on your energy."

No matter where you are... Everyone is always connected!

This is sorta ironic

2004-11-10T05:37:12Z

Have you ever heard of the Lain game for psx? Supposedly Lain had two stories. In the playstation game Lain befriends a psychoanalyst and receives treatment for her "hallucinations". Lain's friend starts going crazy and Lain decides to assume the role of the psychoanalyst and provide whatever help she can. Even though it's for playstation, it isn't really a game. You control Lain who is searching the wired for information in regards to the story. You use blue orbs to retrieve bits of audio and video to discover the story. Here is spoilers... sorta(very confusing) http://www.cjas.org/~leng/lainpsx.txt

What really makes me curious is that even though the interest in this game increases, the information about it has been slowly decreasing. Soon it may diminish to myth. I really want to find this game before it's too late.

The truth, as I have always known it to be.

2004-11-08T18:56:22Z

Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. It depends in part upon the myth-making imagination of humankind. The person who experiences greatness must have a feeling for the myth he is in. He must reflect what is projected upon him. And he must have a strong sense of the sardonic. This is what uncouples him from belief in his own pretensions. The sardonic is all that permits him to move within himself. Without this quality, even occasional greatness will destroy a man.